Koibito
by Silmaril Eyes
Summary: A sweet title for a very bitter story. Someone is falling apart...yaoi, lime, angst.


It doesn'

It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself it's going to be all right, it's just _not_.

Yamato stands there, stroking my hair, whispering that it'll be okay, just hold on, angel.

Angel, he said. How could he see me as an angel? I'm not. Not remotely close. He also calls me his koibito. Sweetheart. I'm not that, either...I'm just me. No, I'm not me...I'm Yamato's boyfriend. That's all.

"Worthy of no other title," I sob into his shirt.

"Koibito, please..." Yamato says, his arms tightening around me, and I know I'm hurting him, too. I should stop this, stand up, stop acting like such a...such a _child._

But I'm still just a child. I'm only sixteen...I can't please everybody.

Lately, I can't please _anybody_. No-one. Nothing is right, nothing's going the way it should. And I'm scared; I don't know why.

Things were going so well. I was...I was actually _happy_ for a while there. Everything seemed to sparkle. I thought I'd found real friends, real trust...such a lie. Such a bitter, bitter lie.

Everything fell apart, in the space of a day, even. Then...tears returned to my eyes, and this rose-coloured world turned grey. I still remember waking up, wondering why I bothered to, and pressing my face back into my pillow, trying to cry.

I couldn't cry. Those damned pills...compacted chalk dust, that's all they are. All they do is block my emotions...and I so desperately needed to cry. I _needed_ to. I needed to scream and cry and shout that it wasn't fair. But I couldn't. I just couldn't, not here...not alone.

So I ran...ran out of this apartment, and across town to his...forgot about school, and ran to him, like he always said.

"Don't be afraid to talk to me, Koibito," I remember him saying, then enveloping me in his arms, his sweet Yamato-scent surrounding me. He stroked my hair with a gentleness I hadn't felt in a long, long time, and I pressed my face to his chest, feeling so warm...this happiness, falling around me like the autumn sakura.

But...something happened when winter fell, and the greyness returned. But I remember his words, and ran into his arms that morning.

He answered the door, half-dressed for work, his sunlight-coloured hair not even brushed. He looked shocked when he saw me, certain emotions rippling over his face the way the waves caress the seashore. His voice was voice soft and surprised when he asked what was wrong, Koibito?

I threw myself into his arms, sobbing out that I didn't know. I didn't understand. I didn't know why everything had changed, but it had, and drastically, quickly, with the speed of a slamming door, or a falling star.

He didn't say a word, he simply pulled me close and closed the door behind us, locking out the noises of this city. He kissed my tears away, held me while I cried...and I cried a long, long time. We would have both been late to school by the time my tears faded...but he didn't notice. He didn't seem to notice, anyway.

He kissed me, whispering that he would always love me, he'd always be there. I've been there, my Koibito. I know how it feels, so just cry to me. I closed my eyes, pressing close to him, praying that the sakura-shaded warmth would return, but there was nothing there. So I kissed him back while the last of my tears fell sparkling to the floor.

After that...something happened. One kiss lead to another, and another and another, until I couldn't tell where they began and stopped. My mind was filled with his sweetness and gentleness, and I felt a glow surround me again. I surrendered to it, let it take me away. Just a moment in his arms, and we made love for the first time. I remember that for a moment, I thought I caught a glimpse of that feeling I'd lost, but it was only there for a split second...I arched my head back and screamed his name...

It was such a sharp jolt back into reality as we lay there in each other's arms, panting, murmuring various things to each other..."I love you," "I need you," "Oh god, I love you..." I tried searching for that happiness, that bliss...but there was nothing. Not even the misery I'd felt before...just an emptiness that had no colour, no feeling. It overwhelmed me and once again, I lost myself in a sea of tears, telling him it wasn't him, no, he didn't hurt me.

Life went on after that day. I kept moving in this bleak world, trying not to feel the emptiness that kept threatening to choke me. He kept worrying about me, asking me if I was okay. I replied that I was fine, fine. He never bought it, not once.

He visited one night, while I was staring at my computer screen, blood pooling from my cut up wrist, tears making their slow descent down my face. The cry he gave was the most heartbreaking sound I had ever heard in my life. He threw his arms around me, close to tears himself, crying that I should have told him. Don't be afraid to talk to me, Koibito, please.

He stayed by my side for as along as humanly possible. He didn't care when people stared, wide-eyed, whispered behind their hands. He said that he loved me too much. It did me good. I felt that I had a hold on things, and that I could survive.

But there was still that block there. I couldn't feel...didn't feel anything until he was with me. And it had to be the pills...I knew it. So I stopped taking them. In fact, I took the bottle, opened my window, and threw it outside as hard as I could. Smiled as it disappeared out of my sight. It was the first time I'd smiled in a long time. It would be the last time I smiled in a long time, too.

The next day...I couldn't even get out of bed. I just lay there, sobbing, sleeping, waking up and sobbing again. I didn't bother picking up the phone, not even when Yamato called. He left message after message, each one sounding more and more worried. I fell asleep listening to his honey-like voice.

And now...he's visited, and found me as I am...sobbing, insane, so close to the edge...there's nothing between me and the wall of fire now...except for him, standing here, holding me while I cry. I can't see my future; I can't see anything. Only him, and only now.

"Yamato...don't...leave me," I choke out, tightening my grip on him.

"I'll never leave you, Ken-chan..." he whispers. "My Koibito..."


End file.
